Thursday, July 13, 2017
Ever since my divorce I have been punishing myself in an ego driven roller coaster ride. To someone looking in from the outside it may have seemed like I was riding high; running 100 mile races, completing an Ironman, success at work....but the mask I wore concealed painful lows.
Lows that I thought I deserved.
In her book A Return to Love, Marianne Williams tells us that "If I am convinced that I'm not good enough, I will have a difficult time accepting someone into my life who thinks I am. The only way that I can accept someone's finding me wonderful, is that if I find myself wonderful. But to the ego- self acceptance is death."
In my first relationship after my divorce, I clung to hold on. My belief was that surely I could make it work, that I wouldn't fuck things up in a relationship again....but my co-dependent desperation was like Febreeze covering up a pile of shit. I finally realized that even though it would dry up and smell less- it still wasn't going anywhere because subconsciously I was unlovable. I tried really hard to run away from my thoughts, my self, my ego..... but dammit- my soul wasn't going anywhere, and I was damaging my body in the process.
I knew things needed to change, so I asked God to "put good people in my life."
He sent me Greg- so patient, kind and loving; and over the past year I have allowed that love to slowly seep back into my heart.
It isn't always easy, because I'm stubborn as hell (what?), but by allowing him to love me, to take care of me, I have been reminded of the love I have for myself and others.
I no longer live in fear. Things are becoming less about me, and more about us. Because I work closer to home and am traveling less, I get to see my kids more often and have a better connection with friends. I'm finding balance, doing fun things, and attracting abundance and joy!
"All of your past except it's beauty is gone, and nothing is left but a blessing. A miracle is a shift in thinking from what we might have done in the past or should be doing in the future, to what we feel free to do right here."- A Return to Love
Thank you God for sending me the reminder that our eternal essence is love. The ability to finally forgive myself is indeed a miracle.