Sunday, May 22, 2016

The Fly on my Shoulder

"When I stop struggling, I float.
It's the law."
Unknown


Several hours early on the way to the airport in Albuquerque, I saw a sign for the Cochiti Lake Recreation Area.  Feeling curious, my car seemed to head there with little thought or redirection from my brain. 

Not really knowing how far from the highway I was headed, I followed a bumpy road at 35 miles an hour to the overlook, where a breathtaking view of red rock mountains on one side, dusty plains on the other and a placid lake below was waiting. 

I pulled on my jacket to protect me from the biting wind, and found a flat rock surrounded by cacti.  Sitting with the sun on face, I soaked in the space, and then closed my eyes to meditate- only to be interrupted by a vexatious buzz in my ears.
Crazily, I swatted the fly away, only for him to return, circling my face incessantly.  The whir of his irksome voice mocked me as I waved my hands like a mad woman, but he was persistent and returned again and again.

So, I decided to get very still.
And the fly sat on my shoulder
and we watched  a hiding vulture fly away,
and rooted for the hopeful fisherman in the lake below
And dreamed of climbing the statuesque mountains in the horizon.
And we breathed together
peacefully.


Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Enough is enough

"Whatever makes you happy
 Whatever you want.
 I wish I was special.
 You're so fucking special.
 But I'm a creep."
Radiohead


If I worked out every day, fixed my boobs and wore 6 inch stilettos-
would you think I was pretty?

What if I made a million dollars, traveled the world debt free and never had to work again?
Would you be happy? 

I could climb the highest mountain, run the farthest and fastest, and do 100 pushups on one leg with one arm while chewing gum and singing Broadway tunes.
Would you awe at my strength and capability? 

If I strove to be the friendliest, brightest, most talented, kindest, the most encouraging, the star of the show. 
Would you say you want to be me? 

What will it take Jennifer- for you to be content? 
When will you ever be enough?



Thursday, May 12, 2016

Keep searching

"I promise if you keep searching for everything beautiful in this world
you will eventually become it."
Tyler Kent White


Keep searching-
for livelihood, merriment and elation
for devotion, appreciation and promise

Keep searching
for giggles, tenderness and love
for freedom, sanctuary and understanding.

Keep searching-
for crazy, sexy, cool
for calm, collected and peaceful.

But realize you will never find it in another,
you must look within.