Saturday, November 28, 2015

A love letter to me

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into place.  
You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."
Lucille Ball

Dear Jennifer-

I know I haven't told you this in a very long time, but I adore you.
You've been through a lot, yet you still try your best every damn day.
Your smile is contagious, and sometimes I can't stop giggling because you are so silly.

I love that you work hard to make your body strong to support your passionate personality.  You make (mostly) healthy choices to support the vessel  that you live in.  You are so fucking tough mentally, and you are brave enough to call people out on their bullshit.

Because you love simple things like flowers and candles, warm blankets and showers,  coffee and wine. Because you'd rather spend a day in the woods than in the mall.  Because you feel most alive in cold air and warm water.  Because your weakness is exquisite food and romance.  Because you love to play!

Because your loved ones mean the world to you and you truly care about your friends and clients.  Because you continue to try to better yourself.
Because "good enough" never is.
Because you answer that text at 5 in the morning, and that email at 10:00  at night (even though you are already half asleep).
You pay your own bills, and have learned to make sacrifices.
Because you are beautiful.  Your brown eyes sparkle with happiness,  your body reflects your hard work, and your soul dances with life.

Because you appreciate today.  You believe that love truly is the answer and that peace is possible.
You know you've made mistakes, but that there are lessons to be learned in this life.  You are real.  You are love.  You are fearless.  You are infinite.

Girl- I am so lucky to have you, and I am so in love with you.
Keep being amazing.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

" Drink from the well of yourself and begin again" - Charles Bukowski

"Reach out your hand if your cup be empty
If your cup is full may it be again
Let it be known there is a fountain 
That was not made by the hands of men"
Grateful Dead

Our thirst for energy is a mirage.
We think we will be able to drink  from  things, or events. or others
But she flows only when we are able to cup our hands into the river that is us.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Falling in love with life (again)

"Stay with your breath this weekend. Follow it like it is your lover. When you are doing something keep
half your attention on your breath. I promise your weekend will be one to remember if you make it your anchor."
Aaron Conner- my brilliant friend

The Fairhaven Guest house is owned by Raven and Flame.  From the outside, there is nothing special about this house, but the inside holds a calming energy.  As I am checking in, Raven explains to me that they compost, recycle and use cloth napkins instead of paper.  The dishwasher has a sign on it that says "clean dishes only in this house"- (meaning wash your damn dishes.)  Breakfast is available, but you have to make it yourself.  Coffee,  locally made sunflower bread, organic butter and homemade blackberry jam are on the menu.  I have two of everything- so amazingly delicious in it's simplicity.  With each bite I imagine the hands that made the bread, the cows that sweet butter was coming from, and the farmer who picked the berries to make that jam.   I am on sensory overload and it's only 7 am.

The wind is howling when I meet Bill in Afton.  I mean a seriously crazy- blow you off the road kind of wind like I've never experienced before. Bill flashes his trademark smile as we  hug and bundle up nervously, then make our way to the trailhead.  It is instantly warm and calm.  I shed everything within the first 1/2 mile- and we're off. Concentrating on my breath I drink in the glow as we scamper through ankle deep leaves over rocks. Lighthearted conversation and the sheer beauty and novelty of the trail  make the three hours fly by.  I'm on the AT for God's sake!
Pizza and beer in Crozet at the finish with talk of running and writing makes it the perfect day.  And it's only 3:30 pm.

Nothing is better than a warm shower after a trail run, and I start to prepare for my evening at Charlottesville's Historic Outdoor Mall.  I put on make up and fix my hair for myself.  I will go there by myself.  I will eat dinner by myself.  I will drive over there and figure out where to go and where to park because it's not worth staying in my room all fucking night for fear of sitting alone.
So I walk and admire the shops with beautiful clothes, and shoes  and housewares and people. I marvel at the genuineness of the Blue Whale Book shop.    I stop in for a wine and truffle tasting where an exotic Indian girl pairs a Riesling with a Lemon cello, a SMG with a Rosemary caramel chocolate, and a port with a Tahitian vanilla.  Do you know how long it's been since I've had port?  I swear I was reliving a scene from  the movie "Chocolate."
Dinner at the bar at  Bizou is a baby kale Cesar salad with rich shrimp and creamy cheese grits, and a very light Pinot Noir recommended by the cute bartender. She explains everything to me proudly, as if she herself were the owner of the restaurant.  My belly is full and happy.  I breathe in gratefulness, and it's only 7:30 pm.

Tonight I am tucked into worn, but oh so soft bedding as I write.  New guests arrive at Fairhaven guesthouse and I hear Raven explaining  that the fruit is organic, and that everyone should compost and recycle. A child with the most splendid giggle melts my heart.
I breathe in the peace  of the this space and fall in love with life all over again.  
But now it's time to sleep-.  Tomorrow is race day!

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Divine space

"Sometimes you just need a break, in a beautiful place alone to figure everything out."
David Wolfe

I knew what this trip was all about from the moment I was packed in like a sardine on the airplane.

Nervous tears welled in my eyes as I sat sandwiched between the agitated  couple who made the flight just in time to my left, and the woman fidgeting in a menopausal swelter to the right.  Claustrophobic panic grabbed my throat as it became all to clear that I need distance.  Room to think for myself.  To step literally and figuratively out of the box.  To free myself from electronic slavery and dust the cobwebs off of my creativity.
To move, to play, to breathe.

I cannot afford this trip.....yet I cannot afford not to take it either.
Despite my wanderlust I have not traveled out of Texas in over a year, so in what Elizabeth Gilbert describes as a "crushing sense of self protection," I booked this weekend in an effort to "negotiate my own life."
The on and off again relationship's light switch had been flipped down once again and the mountains were calling.  Airline miles, a $50 a night guesthouse and a little bit of well-timed of extra income would soon land me in Charlottesville, VA a place that felt instantly like home on my one and only previous visit.

The woman next to me snores thunderously. I close my eyes in frustration, pondering why in this world that craves constant interaction, I have the merciless need to run away.  I meditate in my seat- the space that I am in- and send gratitude to the universe that at least I am on this plane, in this humble spot.
And that's the moment  that I realize that I AM space.
My spirit seeps out in infinite space.  My big, fat soul has so much more to offer than what I have been giving lately.  I am not destined to be confined by another or trampled by the mindless herds.
I am energetic.  I am strong.  I am free.
I'm in love with this journey already.
Perhaps tomorrow God will show me a bit more of my divinity on this earth.