Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Never worry again

"Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"
Matthew 6:27


I've decided to stop worrying.  Period.  
Why?  Because I'm fucking exhausted.  

I've always been a worrier by nature.  I remember as a teenager keeping an eye on the speedometer when my parents were driving, worrying that they were going over the speed limit and that "we" might get a ticket.  I worried that people wouldn't like me because I didn't have the right jeans or haircut.  
I worried that I might not get into college, even though I was talented and made good grades.  

As a school teacher, I worried that I might have a challenging day.  That I wouldn't be able to handle situations that were thrown at me.  That my day might be "ruined" by a certain class or child.  I made up all kinds of stories in my head about what the day could hold for me, way before the actual start at 8 am.

As a new coach I worked to build trust, and worried that people wouldn't understand why I planned the way I did.  I worried that I "didn't know enough", even though I ate, slept and breathed running.

I worry about relationships.  Abandonment.  Being good enough.  Trust.


Even today I worry if the risks I'm taking are worth it, although my heart is happier than it's been in a very long time.  

Dan Zadra said "Worrying is a misuse of imagination."  
We are really good at making up "worry stories" in our head, but the reality is they are simply that- stories.  
They are not real. 
Our hope is that if we continue to hash out the situation we will be able to figure it out and find a solution, but the reality is that worry robs us of our present moment- time that we will never get back.  

I believe the way to end worrying is to replace that story with one of gratitude.  
I have everything I need.
For 43 years I have been fed, clothed, nurtured and loved.  I am strong and capable.
If we are here on this earth for a purpose, which I believe we are....then surely our creator will take care of us.  If I am here to help others, then won't I also be helped?  

I've wasted too much time and energy worrying.  Instead of allowing myself to be hooked by the trap of hope and fear, I will do my best to relax into the magic of this unfolding life.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Open your eyes

"Why are you looking for the living among the dead?"
Luke 24:5


You fucked up.
You lied, cheated, said unkind things, were jealous, lustful, angry, greedy.....the list goes on. 
I know you did, because I did too.  We all fuck up every single day.
But you know what?  The Easter story reminds us that it doesn't matter.
That tomb is empty.  Your past is gone.  

So often people remind us of all the ways we could have been better, looked better, lived better.  We've been feed the stories for so long that we either drown in guilt or suffocate ourselves with the gnarled hands of regret.
It's easy to lose faith (in life) if we continue to sleep with the past. 

Buddha tells us "do not dwell on the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

Wake up and open your eyes!
To the crimson sun that peeks through mountaintops.
To sisters that steal covers from each other at night.
To the boy who caresses her cheek as she sleeps.
To puppies and pigtails.
To jellybeans and peeps. 
To dancing in the rain.
To hope and promise. 

In awakening, we are risen indeed.