Saturday, April 23, 2016

"I'm pretty tired. I think I'll go home now." Forrest Gump

"My momma always said, you have to put the past behind you before you move on.  That's what I think my running was all about."
Forrest Gump


For 8 years now, "I've just felt like running."
I've run off the baby weight and mommy stress.
I've run for work and for play.
A soulmate through death, divorce and heartache, running was at my side.
I would even go as far to say that running was my savior. 

I've run many miles in the name of finding myself. 
Running was the drug to numb the pain, and it has been a fun ride! 
But I am no longer dependent on that high.
I stressed my body, was crazy without my fix, and became obsessed with results. 
I have given  up many hours sleep and opportunities to have fun. 
I have literally tortured myself in the name of discipline.

It's so cool what the body and mind can do.  Our bodies are freaking amazing!  I will always be grateful to running for showing me my strong. 
But.......
"I'm pretty tired.  I think I'll go home" after Leadville.
As Waylon Lewis says: "I am wearily desperate to just be."





Friday, April 8, 2016

Dear Life.....I want to be happy just like I am tonight





Dear Life-

I want to be happy, just like I am tonight.
I want to eat brie with honey while drinking crisp chardonnay.
I want to gasp at the crown of the mountain, not for lack of oxygen, but in utter awe of it's beauty.
I want to huddle up with my kids while watching a movie, eating butter drowned popcorn.

I want to sleep at the elbow of my love, breathing in the intoxicating scent at the back of his neck.
I want bubble baths and warm blankets and long kisses.
I want fresh cut flowers wrapped in paper and jalapeno chocolate with peanuts.

I want Italy, and Spain and Costa Rica;  Peru, Brazil and Patagonia.
Zion, Bryce Cannon and Leadville; Yellowstone, Yosemite and Jackson Hole.
I want to hold a big fat burger in my left hand and a hoppy beer in my right after a day on the slopes;
And to fall into bed exhausted after a day of adventure in the canyons.
I want finish lines.  All of them.  

I want to exhale anxiety and inhale blessing.
To bathe in security and wash away doubt
To Dance and sweat..  To Run and swim.
To sing too loudly so as to embarrass my kids.
To fall hard.  To get back up.

To Trust. To Trust. To Trust.
To trust that today and everyday
is always completely
perfect.








Sunday, March 27, 2016

What I know (and now accept) about myself


"Happiness can exist only in acceptance."
George Orwell


38.
That's the number of self help books I have in my current view.
Oh, there have been more for sure, but they are in the hall closet, or the kids' bedroom, or perhaps in the trunk of my car.  It's silly when you think about it, how much time I spend trying to be "better".
I guess I hope that someday I will be a fearless, elite athlete; perfect mom and girlfriend, who eats and says all the right things while running a profitable business; all the time keeping her sink clean.

I've learned how to be brave, how to train for a triathlon, how to overcome co-dependency and how to meditate.  I've even read that I should just "f*ck feelings" all together!
I'll admit, the books I have read HAVE helped me to better understand and challenge myself.  But I've also learned that there are some things about me that will never change.
Things that I just need to accept.

Like the fact that I have to be moving.  Yes, I can meditate for about 10 min at a time and it feels really good to concentrate on my breath and focus on the source of my energy.  But damn that energy is buzzing in my body all day!  I'm not the girl that's going to be still.  The thought of a "movie marathon" sends me into a panic.  Sitting around fills me with an anxiety that I can't explain.  I procrastinate every time that I need to do computer work.  I've found that I would rather vacuum and mop the apartment for God's sake!  So- there you go.  Jennifer Kimble- ultra mover extraordinaire.   Please don't ask me to stay in bed all day with you, or God forbid sit in traffic.

And the fact that I wish I was perfect.
Yes- I wish I was faster and prettier than you, and I do compare myself to everyone.    I wish I made more money.  I wish I was the perfect coach and that I was smart and funny.  I wish I knew how to be better in my business approach, and that I was never filled with anxiety, I wish that my family life resembled that of the Brady bunch and that I was always kind and loving.
But I really do finally accept that in my imperfection, I am perfect.  In my willingness to try, I am attractive.  In my giving, I am changing people's lives for the better.
Nobody's perfect.  Seriously.
Even Beyonce.

And I am so patient.....up until a point.
Until I can see that you don't really want it.  Until you keep making excuses.
After that- I'm done.
I may give you a redo, even a third chance because I'm also an eternal optimist...but if you say you want something but you don't really mean it...then well I'm sorry.  I'm done.
Because you know what?  Someone else really DOES want it.
I am good at what I do.  That I know for sure.

So friend- I hope that you will accept me as I have learned to accept myself.
Yeah- I know it's not always easy, but we're both worth it.







Friday, March 11, 2016

Today I feel ugly


"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now am found.
Was blind, but now I see." 



Today I feel ugly.
I woke up noticing dark circles under my eyes and deep wrinkles around my lips.
I went to yoga because that usually helps to center me, but all I could concentrate on were my over sized muscles, the scab on my knee, and the fact that my 8 toenails are still dirty and unkempt from last weekends race.

Today I feel ugly.
When I got home the kids were starving so I tugged my dirty hair into a bun, pulled on droopy faded jeans, and threw a jacket over my sports bra and running top.  We went straight to the mall and movies after breakfast and it was clear that I was the frazzled and haggard old mom trying to hang with the beautiful people.

Today I feel ugly.
My eyebrows are wild and I swear I've gained 10 lbs. I can't shake the feeling of "not enough".  I don't want to work out.  I don't want to be around anyone.   I  don't want to do anything.
How did I get here? It's my day off for God's sake.  I can't seem to shake it.

Today I feel ugly
So I follow Jorge unwillingly to the gym.  And we do that fucking hard hill workout that we don't want to do. And I huff and puff as he smoothly climbs.....
and I am sweating under my boobs and across the pooch of my belly.
And I am showered in grace and clarity.
And I feel proud.  And I feel strong.

Tonight I feel beautiful.




Friday, February 26, 2016

Listen! Your soul is trying to speak.

"When you feel negative emotion, it means that you are preventing your vibrational access to Source and to the stream of Well Being"
Esther and Jerry Hicks

Thursday morning, I woke up tired and in a pissy mood.  I thought I could shake it off as I usually do, but on the ride to work I found tears welling in my eyes and then rolling down my cheeks. 
Jorge and I joke sometimes that we don't want to "adult" today, but it was worse than that. 
More than anything- I wanted time alone. 

I love my job.  I work with a talented team of trainers and we have each others back.  My clients give me their best energy every day, and I enjoy hearing about their lives and challenges. I am excited and energized most days of the week.
It's not my job....It's me.  Because believe it or not I am an introvert.  I need time alone to process all the emotion that I internalize every single day.  It's no secret that the reason why I can spend so many hours alone in the water, or on the bike, or on a trail is because I like doing so.   Engaging with others is my gift,  but I am energized by time alone. 

On my way to  work it became very clear to me that I have not spent any time by myself in months.  I've come to learn that negative emotion is just a sign that you are not on the right path to what you really do want.  It's like a warning signal.  "Danger Will Robinson- You're going down the wrong path." So instead of enduring needless suffering I took the warning. I rescheduled my evening clients, skipped out on a meeting and I headed to the trails. In running and in nature I reconnected with my strong and capable body as I danced across the rocks and roots.  I marveled at my intuition as I glided downhill.  I celebrated my smiling soul, the sun stretching to kiss my shoulders in between the trees.
I found peace.  I found relief.  I let go of any guilt. 
And that evening I slept. 

Today I woke up at 3:30am to meet my first client at 5.  I am a new woman, motivated and empowered, because this time I LISTENED to my beckoning soul. 
It's all about continuously writing a new story for myself.  One where I feel really, really good. 

Friday, February 19, 2016

The Law of Attraction- JK style

"Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say:
'I know it's hard.  You're going to be ok.  
Here's a cup of coffee, and 5 million dollars!'" 
Unknown


So- here's what I'm attracted to lately:  The Law of Attraction.
  
The law of attraction is the name given to the maxim "like attracts like," which in New Thought philosophy is used to sum up the idea that by focusing on positive or negative thoughts, a person brings positive or negative experiences into their life.

Now maybe you've seen THE SECRET and thought, "that's a lot of hocus pocus."  Maybe you've been told that you are not good enough, or you believe that you don't work hard enough, or perhaps you believe you are undeserving of abundance (this last one is the one that plagues me).  But I'm here to say BULLSHIT.  
Money is not the root of all evil, I do not have to be a martyr, and I'm just as deserving as the next guy.
I truly believe that a change my mindset is MANDATORY for me in order to stop SURVIVING, and start LIVING!

Here are the lies that I tell myself.....and how I plan to turn my life around through positive self talk:

1.  From:  "I'm not a good salesperson- so I will never make money in my business." 
     To: " I'm one hell of a coach and personal trainer, and I what I sell has has life changing value."
2.  From:  "I'm doing what I love, so I should just be happy that I'm making it" 
     To:  "I'm doing what I love, but the freedom to travel and take some time off will add exponential prize to my well being and purpose." 
3.  From:  "I broke a relationship, so I deserve broken relationships." 
     To:   "I deserve to love and to be loved by someone."  
4.  From:  "I can't afford that." 
     To:  "Won't it be fun when I can afford that?" 
5.  From:  "I'm not enough unless I....." 
     To:  "I am fucking amazing.  Period."  

Experts in the Law of Attraction say that just FEELING the way you want to feel starts the process of attracting good things to you.  How many times have you thought about how you would like to FEEL?  
What things turn you on?  What things excite you?  Those are the things you want to attract more of!!! 

So, tonight I just spent $50,000.00 in my mind.  
I bought a few adventure trips, a really expensive tri bike, breast surgery, some work on my car, a crazy party for all of my friends, .....and it felt amazing!  How fun to concentrate on how we want to feel- to concentrate on the things that make us happy!  

Here's what I know.  If we keep dwelling on the things that are wrong in our life- we'll feel like shit.  If we concentrate on things that make us happy- we'll be happier.  
Gratitude.  Love.  Family.  
It's so simple.

See you in Costa Rica.  I'll be the one looking awesome in my new bikini with amazing boobs.  








Monday, February 8, 2016

Don't look back- you're not going that way!

"You and me together, we can do anything ...."
Dave Matthews


"Baby, you have to get up and get going, or we're going to freeze."

Apparently this is what you say to your boyfriend when he's lying in fetal position on the side of the trail with his head on a crumbling log....because it worked.  He stood up, his legs wobbling under him like those of a newborn deer.
"Which way do we go?"  he asked.
"We go that way." I pointed.
"It would be quicker to get back to the aid station if we went that way."
Ah.  So his brain WAS still working.  That established, onward we go.

I looked at my Garmin.  My hunky, athletic stud was barely walking a 27 min mile, stopping often and telling me he was about to pass out.  Panic knocked loudly on my frontal lobe.  How am I going to get him through this?  What do I say?  Should we head back?  What if he's not really ok?
So I did what all humans do in a panic situation....I prayed.
"I cannot do this alone.  I'm going to need some help with this."
And I gave him to God.

It's the same phrase I found myself saying back in September when Jorge and I lost sight of our path and became completely separated in the woods.  After an "aha" moment of it's not my job to save him or anyone else, I let go, and decided to walk on my own path.  To my fortune, he did the same...because here  we meet again at mile 90.

Trudging on, I remembered learning to do a walking meditation once.    Walking slowly no longer was an aggravation as I became more mindful- breathing in with one step, breathing out with the next.  When fear wrapped its hands around my neck I concentrated only on my breath, and sending energy to Jorge.  I took his hand, and we inched our way forward through the darkness and into the morning light with its smiling promise of a new day.
"It's like a Sunday stroll," I joked.  "All we need is a little dog and some Starbucks."

We could have turned back when things were tough,  but there was really nothing back there for us.  We could have quit back in September, but instead we decided to take each others hand, and walk through this together.
We both know that there really is no finish line, but we do believe there will be so many reasons to keep moving forward.  Why stumble over something behind you?
God has our back.