Thursday, August 17, 2017

A Willingness to See Things Differently

"I see only the perishable.
I see nothing that will last.
What I see is not real.
What I see is a form of vengeance.
Is this the world I really want to see?"
A Course in Miracles

We live in a fearful world. We are afraid of each other and afraid of ourselves.
In our minds eye we see vengeance and anger; scarcity and lack. We don't trust each other.
We've lost faith.
The stories of our past haunt us because we believe these hallucinations to be our truth, but the real truth is that attack thoughts are never real.
You are never upset for the reason you think.  You are upset because you see what is not there.

A Course in Miracles states that "what I see is the projection of my own errors of thought.  How could I understand when I have judged amiss? Our thoughts are not our own thoughts, because we are thinking without God."

Authentically,  God is love.
We are love.
WE ARE GOD.

If you believed that everyone was God- would you have a willingness to see things differently?
God (Love) is that person you so easily judge.
God (Love)  is your family.
God (Love)  is your co-workers.
God (Love) is that homeless man on the corner.
God  (Love) is your spouse.
YOU ARE GOD (Love).

"Loveliness can light your images, and so transform them that you will love them, even though they are made of hate."  A Course In Miracles
You are not trapped in your images, at any moment you can change what you believe.
You can be fearless instead of fearful.  Grateful instead of mindless.
Open instead of closed. Trusting instead of suspicious.
Confident.
Kind.
Loving.

My goal is to see differently.  
Could I could see peace in this situation instead of what I now see in it?
Can I recognize attack thoughts?
Am I willing to let go of judgement?
Can I see that you are perfect? And that I am as well?

If so, there is no war between ourselves or others.  There is only love.
Everyday- I choose to ask the questions.... to see differently.
Love is the only way.  I choose to see love.













Sunday, August 13, 2017

The more I pay attention, the more I see

"Only LOVE is real." 
A Course in Miracles 

The more I pay attention, the more I see that its not about me at all.


It's not about accomplishments; for we all are quite spectacular.

It's not about pain, endurance or suffering; because it's not about struggle.

It's not about money or possessions; each insignificant.

It's not about the body; for life is in our spirit.

It's not about me; its about us.

It's about a shift in perception. A return to love.


Thursday, July 13, 2017

Let Someone Love You



Ever since my divorce I have been punishing myself in an ego driven roller coaster ride.    To someone looking in from the outside it may have seemed like I was riding high; running 100 mile races, completing an Ironman, success at work....but the mask I wore concealed painful lows.
Lows that I thought I deserved.

In her book A Return to Love, Marianne Williams tells us that "If I am convinced that I'm not good enough, I will have a difficult time accepting someone into my life who thinks I am.  The only way that I can accept someone's finding me wonderful, is that if I find myself wonderful.  But to the ego- self acceptance is death."

In my first relationship after my divorce, I clung to hold on. My belief was that surely I could make it work, that I wouldn't fuck things up in a relationship again....but my co-dependent desperation was like Febreeze covering up a pile of shit.  I finally realized that even though it would dry up and smell less- it still wasn't going anywhere because subconsciously I was unlovable.   I tried really hard to run away from my thoughts, my self, my ego..... but dammit- my  soul wasn't going anywhere, and I was damaging my body in the process.
I knew things needed to change, so I asked God to "put good people in my life."

He sent me Greg- so patient, kind and loving; and over the past year I have allowed that love to slowly seep back into my heart.
It isn't always easy, because I'm stubborn as hell (what?), but by allowing him to love me, to take care of me, I have been reminded of the love I have for myself and others.
I no longer live in fear.  Things are becoming less about me, and more about us.  Because I work closer to home and am traveling less, I get to see my kids more often and have a better connection with friends.  I'm finding balance, doing fun things, and attracting abundance and joy!

"All of your past except it's beauty is gone, and nothing is left but a blessing. A miracle is a shift in thinking from what we might have done in the past or should be doing in the future, to what we feel free to do right here."- A Return to Love

Thank you God for sending me the reminder that our eternal essence is love.  The ability to finally forgive myself is indeed a miracle.















Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Tired of my own bullshit

"Starve the ego- Feed the Soul" 
unknown


A year ago while training for Leadville 100, I developed severe tendonosis in my inner ankle.
A year later, I find myself scheduling an MRI; not only for said ankle, but for my knee as well.
Think my body is trying to tell me something?

Thanks to kinder, gentler workouts like swimming and yoga- I am finally listening.  I really should stop beating the shit out of myself.  There is a reason that I'm the girl that can't touch her toes, why I'm constantly sore and tense, and why my run has become a limp.   My body is holding up the white flag of surrender.  Intensity is no longer serving me.

My favorite author Elizabeth Gilbert says " I've never seen any life transformation that didn't begin the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit," and I'm so sick of my ego driving my training bus.  There is more to life than running myself (literally) into the ground.

Perhaps I could try:
Staying up past midnight to drink wine and laugh with good friends, followed the next morning by strong coffee on the porch while the dogs lick my feet.
Yoga and meditation.  Stillness.  Silence.
Time for others.  More you- less me.
Delving in deeper instead of running away.
Quality over quantity.
Soul over Ego.

"For everything there is a season.....a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down and a time to build up." ( Ecclesiastes 3:3)
Breaking down my body is no longer the answer.  It's time to build up, and heal.
I'm listening........







Saturday, May 20, 2017

Throw Away the Mask- Being Authentic

"Authenticity demands WHOLEHEARTED living and loving even when its hard, even when we are wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we are afraid to feel it." 
Brene Brown

For the past two days I have been bathed in amazing energy, and am so proud to be associated with Life Time Fitness.  These group fitness rock stars teach, inspire and make a difference everyday.  From kickboxing to yin yoga- these gurus know their stuff, and they are damn good at what they do. You can't help but to leave their workshops knowing that you are forever changed. 

As I look back on the day, I realize that the reoccurring theme in each master class was the need for authenticity from a coach, leader or teacher.  My first thought was that being authentic just means not to be fake or false right?  But I heard it so many times today that I decided to research it a bit, and I found out that authenticity means so much more.

Brene Brown says that "authenticity is cultivating the courage to be emotionally honest, to set boundaries and allow ourselves to be vulnerable exercising that compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle, and that we are connected to each other through a loving and resilient human spirit.  Nurturing that since of connection and belonging we can let go of what we think we are supposed to be, and embrace who you are." 

Do you allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to truly be authentic?  Are you willing to feel enough?  Can you trust that it's ok to let go of who you think you "should" be and embrace yourself quirks and all? 

Brown goes on to say that " Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul searching struggles is how we invite GRACE, JOY and GRATITUDE into our lives." 
Authenticity to me means embracing the fact that we are damn good at some things, and maybe not so good at others.  It means going for it- even if you're afraid you might fail.  It means being such a bright shiny light that others are drawn to your energy.  It means falling down, and getting the hell back up.  It means loving again, and starting fresh every freaking day. 

Authenticity is a choice.  Forget the false stories of your past, show up and be real; or as Karen Collacutt said "Throw away all of the masks and put on your soul."
What makes you vulnerable, makes you believable.  And THAT is truly inspiring.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Lean in a Little and Let Gravity Carry You

"If you want to get faster on the down hills, let go of your death grip, uncurl your toes and relax."
Paul Howard

With 2577 feet of elevation gain, St. George 70.3 was the hardest bike I've ever done.
From the first slow, hard grind out of Sand Lake Reservoir I realized: "Toto- you are not in Texas anymore."  What I didn't know at that time was that the mental challenge would be far more difficult than the physical challenge.

You see, I struggle like a beast!  Hard, hilly, rocky....bring it!  I will put my head down and power through.  I'm "Ram Tough" baby, and on the uphill- this flatlander would pass people. 
A lot of people actually.
But...you already know where this is going don't you?  Of course they would Ferrari by me on the downhill, leaving me in their dust like a 1971 Ford Pinto. 

Downhill has contradictory meanings. 
On one hand, it could describe that the hard part is over, and that things are smooth sailing from here on out.  On the other hand however, it could mean that things have gotten a lot worse over time- like "Its been all downhill since Trump has been elected president." 

During my race I found myself dreading the downhill.  They were scary and made me anxious. The lingering thought in the back of my mind was always that there was a serious possibility that I could crash.
I find myself doing this in life as well.  I have had a pretty tough climb over the past couple of years, but the hard part is over.  If I would let myself I really could chill, let go of fear, and enjoy the ride. 
It's time to lean in a little and let gravity carry me. By putting on the brakes- people are passing me by. 






Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Soulful beauty

"You don't have a soul.
You are a soul.
You have a body."
George McDonald

We are so quick to dump on ourselves.  Maybe we have a belly bump, or we think that our feet are too big.  We have too much or too little hair.  Wrinkles, love handles.....we scrutinize every little thing that society labels  as "unattractive". 
But George McDonald suggests that our bodies are "temporary clothing of the soul," and if that is the case, shouldn't we be celebrating our bodies for all they allow us to experience?

This past weekend for me was the kind that makes you fall in love with being alive. Watching determined athletes of all shapes and sizes take on the mighty marathon. Sweaty kisses at mile 16. Eating food so heavenly I had to close my eyes to absorb the experience.  Laughing with friends while running in the sunshine.  "Mandatory holding hands" while walking through the Commons, and stopping to take pictures as often as possible.      
This weekend in Boston, humanity and all of its greatness gathered to exalt in the strength of our bodies. And it was fabulous.

And inspiring.  My soul craves joy, and my amazing body allows that experience. 
No more criticizing- only love. 
Thank you body, for being with me on this journey.