Sunday, May 22, 2016

The Fly on my Shoulder

"When I stop struggling, I float.
It's the law."
Unknown


Several hours early on the way to the airport in Albuquerque, I saw a sign for the Cochiti Lake Recreation Area.  Feeling curious, my car seemed to head there with little thought or redirection from my brain. 

Not really knowing how far from the highway I was headed, I followed a bumpy road at 35 miles an hour to the overlook, where a breathtaking view of red rock mountains on one side, dusty plains on the other and a placid lake below was waiting. 

I pulled on my jacket to protect me from the biting wind, and found a flat rock surrounded by cacti.  Sitting with the sun on face, I soaked in the space, and then closed my eyes to meditate- only to be interrupted by a vexatious buzz in my ears.
Crazily, I swatted the fly away, only for him to return, circling my face incessantly.  The whir of his irksome voice mocked me as I waved my hands like a mad woman, but he was persistent and returned again and again.

So, I decided to get very still.
And the fly sat on my shoulder
and we watched  a hiding vulture fly away,
and rooted for the hopeful fisherman in the lake below
And dreamed of climbing the statuesque mountains in the horizon.
And we breathed together
peacefully.


Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Enough is enough

"Whatever makes you happy
 Whatever you want.
 I wish I was special.
 You're so fucking special.
 But I'm a creep."
Radiohead


If I worked out every day, fixed my boobs and wore 6 inch stilettos-
would you think I was pretty?

What if I made a million dollars, traveled the world debt free and never had to work again?
Would you be happy? 

I could climb the highest mountain, run the farthest and fastest, and do 100 pushups on one leg with one arm while chewing gum and singing Broadway tunes.
Would you awe at my strength and capability? 

If I strove to be the friendliest, brightest, most talented, kindest, the most encouraging, the star of the show. 
Would you say you want to be me? 

What will it take Jennifer- for you to be content? 
When will you ever be enough?



Thursday, May 12, 2016

Keep searching

"I promise if you keep searching for everything beautiful in this world
you will eventually become it."
Tyler Kent White


Keep searching-
for livelihood, merriment and elation
for devotion, appreciation and promise

Keep searching
for giggles, tenderness and love
for freedom, sanctuary and understanding.

Keep searching-
for crazy, sexy, cool
for calm, collected and peaceful.

But realize you will never find it in another,
you must look within.





Saturday, April 23, 2016

"I'm pretty tired. I think I'll go home now." Forrest Gump

"My momma always said, you have to put the past behind you before you move on.  That's what I think my running was all about."
Forrest Gump


For 8 years now, "I've just felt like running."
I've run off the baby weight and mommy stress.
I've run for work and for play.
A soulmate through death, divorce and heartache, running was at my side.
I would even go as far to say that running was my savior. 

I've run many miles in the name of finding myself. 
Running was the drug to numb the pain, and it has been a fun ride! 
But I am no longer dependent on that high.
I stressed my body, was crazy without my fix, and became obsessed with results. 
I have given  up many hours sleep and opportunities to have fun. 
I have literally tortured myself in the name of discipline.

It's so cool what the body and mind can do.  Our bodies are freaking amazing!  I will always be grateful to running for showing me my strong. 
But.......
"I'm pretty tired.  I think I'll go home" after Leadville.
As Waylon Lewis says: "I am wearily desperate to just be."





Friday, April 8, 2016

Dear Life.....I want to be happy just like I am tonight





Dear Life-

I want to be happy, just like I am tonight.
I want to eat brie with honey while drinking crisp chardonnay.
I want to gasp at the crown of the mountain, not for lack of oxygen, but in utter awe of it's beauty.
I want to huddle up with my kids while watching a movie, eating butter drowned popcorn.

I want to sleep at the elbow of my love, breathing in the intoxicating scent at the back of his neck.
I want bubble baths and warm blankets and long kisses.
I want fresh cut flowers wrapped in paper and jalapeno chocolate with peanuts.

I want Italy, and Spain and Costa Rica;  Peru, Brazil and Patagonia.
Zion, Bryce Cannon and Leadville; Yellowstone, Yosemite and Jackson Hole.
I want to hold a big fat burger in my left hand and a hoppy beer in my right after a day on the slopes;
And to fall into bed exhausted after a day of adventure in the canyons.
I want finish lines.  All of them.  

I want to exhale anxiety and inhale blessing.
To bathe in security and wash away doubt
To Dance and sweat..  To Run and swim.
To sing too loudly so as to embarrass my kids.
To fall hard.  To get back up.

To Trust. To Trust. To Trust.
To trust that today and everyday
is always completely
perfect.








Sunday, March 27, 2016

What I know (and now accept) about myself


"Happiness can exist only in acceptance."
George Orwell


38.
That's the number of self help books I have in my current view.
Oh, there have been more for sure, but they are in the hall closet, or the kids' bedroom, or perhaps in the trunk of my car.  It's silly when you think about it, how much time I spend trying to be "better".
I guess I hope that someday I will be a fearless, elite athlete; perfect mom and girlfriend, who eats and says all the right things while running a profitable business; all the time keeping her sink clean.

I've learned how to be brave, how to train for a triathlon, how to overcome co-dependency and how to meditate.  I've even read that I should just "f*ck feelings" all together!
I'll admit, the books I have read HAVE helped me to better understand and challenge myself.  But I've also learned that there are some things about me that will never change.
Things that I just need to accept.

Like the fact that I have to be moving.  Yes, I can meditate for about 10 min at a time and it feels really good to concentrate on my breath and focus on the source of my energy.  But damn that energy is buzzing in my body all day!  I'm not the girl that's going to be still.  The thought of a "movie marathon" sends me into a panic.  Sitting around fills me with an anxiety that I can't explain.  I procrastinate every time that I need to do computer work.  I've found that I would rather vacuum and mop the apartment for God's sake!  So- there you go.  Jennifer Kimble- ultra mover extraordinaire.   Please don't ask me to stay in bed all day with you, or God forbid sit in traffic.

And the fact that I wish I was perfect.
Yes- I wish I was faster and prettier than you, and I do compare myself to everyone.    I wish I made more money.  I wish I was the perfect coach and that I was smart and funny.  I wish I knew how to be better in my business approach, and that I was never filled with anxiety, I wish that my family life resembled that of the Brady bunch and that I was always kind and loving.
But I really do finally accept that in my imperfection, I am perfect.  In my willingness to try, I am attractive.  In my giving, I am changing people's lives for the better.
Nobody's perfect.  Seriously.
Even Beyonce.

And I am so patient.....up until a point.
Until I can see that you don't really want it.  Until you keep making excuses.
After that- I'm done.
I may give you a redo, even a third chance because I'm also an eternal optimist...but if you say you want something but you don't really mean it...then well I'm sorry.  I'm done.
Because you know what?  Someone else really DOES want it.
I am good at what I do.  That I know for sure.

So friend- I hope that you will accept me as I have learned to accept myself.
Yeah- I know it's not always easy, but we're both worth it.







Friday, March 11, 2016

Today I feel ugly


"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now am found.
Was blind, but now I see." 



Today I feel ugly.
I woke up noticing dark circles under my eyes and deep wrinkles around my lips.
I went to yoga because that usually helps to center me, but all I could concentrate on were my over sized muscles, the scab on my knee, and the fact that my 8 toenails are still dirty and unkempt from last weekends race.

Today I feel ugly.
When I got home the kids were starving so I tugged my dirty hair into a bun, pulled on droopy faded jeans, and threw a jacket over my sports bra and running top.  We went straight to the mall and movies after breakfast and it was clear that I was the frazzled and haggard old mom trying to hang with the beautiful people.

Today I feel ugly.
My eyebrows are wild and I swear I've gained 10 lbs. I can't shake the feeling of "not enough".  I don't want to work out.  I don't want to be around anyone.   I  don't want to do anything.
How did I get here? It's my day off for God's sake.  I can't seem to shake it.

Today I feel ugly
So I follow Jorge unwillingly to the gym.  And we do that fucking hard hill workout that we don't want to do. And I huff and puff as he smoothly climbs.....
and I am sweating under my boobs and across the pooch of my belly.
And I am showered in grace and clarity.
And I feel proud.  And I feel strong.

Tonight I feel beautiful.