Wednesday, April 30, 2014

I surrender.

"And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted
There is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be

 The Beatles

For me, it was the dramatic grand funk of the ages. Well, one of them at least. 
Two weeks of mascara smearing, red eyed, snotty nosed sobbing over a broken relationship (long distance doesn't play fair)- followed by a fruitless job search.  Oh yeah, and THEN I was told I would be teaching kindergarten if I stayed at my school next year.  Yay.
None of this was part of my fun loving, adventure seeking, mind-stimulating plan.  Haven't I made that clear?  
The hits just kept on coming..... and I was pissed.  Again.  At God.

And here I sit tonight. 
Still pissed but Surrendering. 
Allowing the present to be.

Eckert Tolle tells us to "Accept- then act.  Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy.
This will miraculously transform your whole life."  

Damn.  I could sure go for a big swig of miraculous transformation right now; but nobody can "fix" this for me so please don't try.  I'm hanging out with the pain body, making observations and taking notes.   It's my turn to embrace the suck.

Don't worry- I'll find my way through.  

Sunday, April 27, 2014

You don't know it yet- but you need me on your team.

"Everything is cool when you're part of a team
Everything is Awesome when you're living out a dreams
Everything is better when we stick together,
Side by side you and I gonna win forever?"

 Everything is Awesome- The Lego Movie
Tegan and Sara

It's a bold statement, but boss, you need to hire me for your team- and here's why:

1.  I love humankind
I love learning what turns people on and what puts fire in their belly.  I listen, really listen, with an empathetic ear and kind heart.  Rich, poor, young or old, I know that everyone is fighting their own battle; and remember not to judge too harshly.

2.  I am passionate.
I love life and adventure and won't settle for mediocrity. I choose to follow my bliss, even though that means sometimes I am alone in the journey. I have high expectations for the time I spend on this earth.

3.  I am stubborn.  
I don't give up.  Whether it is a 100 mile trail race or a hard to reach student I keep going, keep trying, keep swimming.  I will be loyal to you and will work my ass off. 

4.   I smile and hug.  Alot. 
It's a simple way to share love and kindness.

5.  I appreciate
I am grateful for this moment.  Grateful for new opportunities.  Grateful that you are reading this.

But here's what I need from you:
1.  Trust me
2.  Don't box me in- let me out for some fresh air every once in a while
3.  Communication and connections- with you and our clients
4.  Understanding that life is multifaceted- it's not all about work all the time.
5.  A smile back.

My email is
Can't wait to hear from you!

Saturday, April 26, 2014

"Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change."

"I get lost in the beauty of everything I see
The world ain't half as bad as they paint it to be
If all the sons and all the daughters stop to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin."

One Republic

Last week I got called into the principals office, and yes it IS as scary now as it was when we were kids!
She completely caught me off guard however when she asked me if I was okay, and told me I didn't seem very happy teaching this year.  Her genuine concern touched me; however I was shocked to hear that my internal frustrations were out there and  apparent to everyone.  Lost and confused, I left her office wondering how I was ever going to get my groove back. 

Things always come to you when you need them, and for me it came in the way of a book by Wayne Dyer called "The Power of Intention."  One quote in particular stood out for me:
"Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change."
 Dyer believes that what you think about, you attract more of....and over the past year I have had some pretty negative thoughts carrying over into all of my relationships.  Losing  my connection  with The Source, I have also lost myself.   

Dyer believes that when we connect to the power of intention, we make ourselves available to success. For those of you who think this is mumbo-jumbo- just bear with me for a sec, because it's as easy as changing your thought patterns. 
The book states:
"Connectors know things will work out.  
They refuse to think about what can't happen, because they know it will happen.  
They place their thoughts in the things they want instead of what they don't want. 
They know that all things happen for the greater good.
They appreciate all the world and everything in it.  
They have an uplifting effect when they come into contact with people,
 radiating energy and peace.  
They choose to feel good no matter what is going on around them.  
They are inspired and inspiring.
They are exceptionally generous.
People feel loved by connectors, because they're merged with The Source of all life, which is love. "

I know that I have the power of connection, its just a matter of detaching from my ego and remembering my spirit.
With God's help, I re-set my intention on being a source of positive energy,
radiating love.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

You're Braver than You Believe

“Promise me you'll always remember: 
You're braver than you believe,
and stronger than you seem, 
and smarter than you think.”
A.A Milne

"Hitting the Wall" for the first time in an endurance event scares the shit out of you.  You're going along in your race just fine when an unknown force starts sucking your energy.  You feel weak, broken and powerless.  Panic sets in and all you can concentrate on is the pain.  Defeated, you start to walk; all the while punishing yourself for doing so.

But the walk was just the break you needed, for it allows you to digest the gel you remember you have stashed in your pocket.  And instead of taking in a small sip of water at the next aid station, you drink a whole cupful.   A mile later you think about all of the training you put in for this day, and you decide to try to run again.  To your surprise, you gather strength and pick it up to the finish line, where a beautiful family surrounds you with supportive hugs. You're totally amazed by the strength you found to push through, and are forever changed.

"Hitting the wall" in life is pretty much the same experience isn't it?   Paralyzed, I curl up in fetal position not knowing how to take another step.  The crushing pain in my heart chakra steals my breath and I wonder how it is that here I am naked and vulnerable, once again.

But I start walking and gain energy from the sunlight.  I am nourished through family and friendship.  I swim in waters that support me.  I awe in the mileage I've put in, and memorialize past successes.    Having a heart broken open grants opportunity for fulfillment.
And as I put my faith in the God who will always take care of me, I find the strength to push through.
Forever changed.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Love hurts

"Have you ever been in love?  Horrible isn't it?
It makes you so vulnerable.  It opens your chest and opens your heart and it means 
that someone can get inside and mess you up.  You build up all these defenses,
you build up a whole suit of armor, so nothing can hurt you.  Then one person wanders into your 
stupid life and you give them a piece of you.  
They didn't ask for it.  They did something dumb one day like smile at you on the beach, 
and then your life isn't your own anymore.  
Love takes hostages.  It gets inside you.  It eats you and leaves you crying in the darkness so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.  
It hurts.  Not just in the imagination.  Not just in the mind.
Its a soul hurt.  A real gets- inside- you- and rips- you- apart pain. 
I hate love."
Neil Gaiman

Romeo and Juliet
Cleopatra and Mark Antony
Tristan and Isolde

Forbidden love.  It's a soul hurt.  A real "gets-inside-you-and rips-you- apart- kind of pain."
You find yourself falling  head over heals for someone that you can't have.
Maybe it's distance.  Could be timing, commitment to others, or religious issues. Regardless, you're not "allowed" to be with that person and for the life of you, you can't understand why.
You dream about them.  You pine for them.  You love them.
It's not enough.
"There is my dagger. And here my naked breast." brain says it can't happen, but my heart begs to stay.  

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Truth be Told- Loneliness Sucks.

"Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god."
Francis Bacon

And whosoever said that you "have to be ok with being alone" is full of bullshit.  I mean, let's just put some scenarios out there:

A dinner date with your iphone?  Or sushi and wine while gazing into beautiful brown eyes?

Sitting in the corner in the back of the theater by yourself? Or burying your head in your boyfriend's shoulder during the scary parts?

A road trip listening to 80's on 8 drinking mineral water? Or driving to your destination with a Route 66 Diet Coke, Chili Cheese Fritos, and intelligent conversation?

A night checking in on Facebook?  Or a night of exquisite sex with your lover?

Elizabeth Gilbert says that "Sometimes life is too hard to be alone, and sometimes life is too good to be alone."
Either or, I don't want to feel lonely anymore.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Things are looking up

"I howled at the moon with friends
And then the sun came crashing in
But all the possibilities
No limits just epiphanies
 American Authors

I knew this was going to be a "put your head down" kind of race.  So I did.  For about 22 miles my eyes discerned only the ground.  My view?  Irksome sand, jagged rock and wearisome feet.  I drudged through the monotony.  I was getting it done.
Around mile 22 I was forced to slow down for a sharp turn on a cliff.  The trees opened and I was blessed with the most amazing view of blue skies over calm lake waters.  I stopped running and looked up; and as I drank in the view my race changed.  I relaxed in the surrounding beauty as awareness unfolded in the energy of the sun, the whisper of a breeze and the spirit of a deer. 

I find myself too often in life "putting my head down and just getting it done," and frankly the muscles in my neck are tired of the strain.  I bet if I pick my head up and look towards the sun- it will still be shining as though I never looked away.

Monday, April 7, 2014

No, can I HELP you?

" I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, I get high with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, gonna to try with a little help from my friends"

The Beatles

Asking for help is an act of courage.   We have to announce that we’re not perfect.  We admit that we can’t do it alone.  Our egos must bow down in reverence to our spirit, and we become instantly vulnerable.   Help me, we ask.  EMPOWER ME. 
Most of us ask for help because we want to find the strong and dynamic person we lost somewhere along the way.  But often, when our friends ask us for help; we pity them.  We say we’re sorry, then carry on with our own concerns instead of empowering them with reaction.  How can we really help someone when they ask?  Put words into motion

1.         Tell them you’re sorry to hear about their situation, but follow that with “How can I help you?” Invite them to dinner, take flowers or ask them to go for a walk.  Shift

2.         Listen with intent.  Visit them or talk on the phone instead of texting so you can hear the pain and need in their voice and understand their hurt.  Let them know its ok to cry. Hear.

3.       Hold their hand.  Go to AA meetings or doctor appointments with them.  Send them a book that was helpful to you.  Bring dinner to their house or give them a break from their troubles. Give them a hug.  Act.

4.       Send energy or pray for them.  Positive thoughts lead to positive change in the world.  Love

"Your beliefs become your thoughts,
 Your thoughts become your words,
 Your words become your actions,
 Your actions become your habits,
 Your habits become your values,
 Your values become your destiny.”   Ghandi