Saturday, September 26, 2015

And then I realized, I'm a fucking co-dependent

"I'll give you all of me."
John Legend

Want a friend who will continuously give and sacrifice?   Someone who will make you feel powerful, competent and appreciated?  Someone who's sense of purpose is based on extreme sacrifices to satisfy your wants?
Then I'm your girl.

It's funny how I've stoically prided myself in my ability to put everyone else's needs in front of my own, leaving me feeling resentful if my needs were not met in return.  Tonight, after a month of wondering if I was experiencing full blown depression, I had an Oprah "aha moment" as the idea of co-dependency popped into my head like a quote bubble light bulb.

So, like any self diagnosing patient I googled it.
CODEPENDENCY- a disease of "lost self,"
Someone who cannot function from their innate self- who's thinking or behavior is organized around another person.
Characteristics include:
* Intense and unstable relationships
* Inability to tolerate being alone.
* Overwhelming desire for acceptance and affection.
* Discomfort receiving attention or help from others.
* Self worth based on care-taking.

Check, check, check, check and check.

I'm the girl who keeps trying, over and over.
I'm the girl who keeps herself busy, with work, training, texting, Facebook.....
I'm the girl who does Ironmans and runs 100 miles.
Asking for help, I feel defeated.
I've taught in the poorest schools, volunteered in homeless shelters and coach others.
I give.  And give.  And give. Until there is nothing left and I explode like tired two year old into a full blown temper tantrum.
It's awesome for everyone around me.

I've been doing what Ross Roseburg describes so perfectly as "The Dance of Codependency"
(You can read that article here: )
Damn it. There you go. My deal.  My issue.  I accept.
I'm so fucking tired of dancing myself in circles of exhaustion.

Ha- So what web page better to turn to then Codependency for Dummies?
They suggest:
1.  Focus on yourself
2.  Relax, don't obsess or worry.  Put it in God's hands and send love.
3.  Don't judge others.  You are not responsible for their behavior.  You're only responsible for your own behavior
4.  Write and meditate
5.  Remember you can't change or fix someone
6.  Take time out.  Step away
7.  Stand up for yourself
8.   Get counseling

It feels good to better understand that the patterns and characteristics ingrained since childhood could be the cause of so much confusion and uncertainly in all of my relationships.
This blog was hard to write, and I've questioned whether or not I should post it- but as Brene Brown says "Once you we fall into the service of being brave- you can never go back."

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is going to suck

"I'm just so broke you won't believe
Can't get a dollar out of me And as far as I can see I'm losing control like a bad disease No I just can't get relief I've been shot down by the life police And everyday I try to rise But I can't succeed Can anybody find a cure for me? You can be bitter, bitter, bitter Or you can be better, better, better"
Alex Boye- Lemonade

We've all heard the quote "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade."
Well, unless life hands you sugar and water too, your lemonade is going to suck.

Wouldn't that be awesome?  If you could just take your rotten and sour life and turn it into something sweet and delicious?  After that you can do your needlepoint, cake decorating and tea- rose arranging in June Cleaver fashion and just completely ignore the fact that you've been poisoned!

Lemons suck.  They are sour and acidic.  They leave a lingering, acrid aftertaste that doesn't just go away.
Lemons just piss you off, leaving you feeling angry and uninterested.

But if you have sugar and water too- Ah, that's a different story.  Sugar is pleasurable and passionate.  Sugar is delicious. Sugar dances lustfully on your tongue.
And water.  Water is life. Water is sustenance.  Water washes the sadness away.
Sugar and water together?  They complement the tart lemon, leaving you surprisingly refreshed.

When life gives you lemons- it's time find someone who can loan you a bit of water and sugar.
They are the ones that will always make your life sweeter.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Cant go over it. Can't go under it. You have to go through it.

Can't go over it.
Can't go under it.
You have to go through it.  

I tried to run away- but the tacky mud weighed me down.
I tried to flee- but my heavy legs slowed the pace.
I tried to escape- but my distracted brain wouldn't settle.
I tried avoidance, but my broken heart just lay wearily in my chest.

 I sat on a crumbling log -letting sweat and tears rain on me
 until I heard the warning of a chattering squirrel:
"Keep it moving sister- you have to go through it."

So I picked myself up, wiped away the tears, and began moving forward
Into acceptance.