Sunday, March 27, 2016

What I know (and now accept) about myself

"Happiness can exist only in acceptance."
George Orwell

That's the number of self help books I have in my current view.
Oh, there have been more for sure, but they are in the hall closet, or the kids' bedroom, or perhaps in the trunk of my car.  It's silly when you think about it, how much time I spend trying to be "better".
I guess I hope that someday I will be a fearless, elite athlete; perfect mom and girlfriend, who eats and says all the right things while running a profitable business; all the time keeping her sink clean.

I've learned how to be brave, how to train for a triathlon, how to overcome co-dependency and how to meditate.  I've even read that I should just "f*ck feelings" all together!
I'll admit, the books I have read HAVE helped me to better understand and challenge myself.  But I've also learned that there are some things about me that will never change.
Things that I just need to accept.

Like the fact that I have to be moving.  Yes, I can meditate for about 10 min at a time and it feels really good to concentrate on my breath and focus on the source of my energy.  But damn that energy is buzzing in my body all day!  I'm not the girl that's going to be still.  The thought of a "movie marathon" sends me into a panic.  Sitting around fills me with an anxiety that I can't explain.  I procrastinate every time that I need to do computer work.  I've found that I would rather vacuum and mop the apartment for God's sake!  So- there you go.  Jennifer Kimble- ultra mover extraordinaire.   Please don't ask me to stay in bed all day with you, or God forbid sit in traffic.

And the fact that I wish I was perfect.
Yes- I wish I was faster and prettier than you, and I do compare myself to everyone.    I wish I made more money.  I wish I was the perfect coach and that I was smart and funny.  I wish I knew how to be better in my business approach, and that I was never filled with anxiety, I wish that my family life resembled that of the Brady bunch and that I was always kind and loving.
But I really do finally accept that in my imperfection, I am perfect.  In my willingness to try, I am attractive.  In my giving, I am changing people's lives for the better.
Nobody's perfect.  Seriously.
Even Beyonce.

And I am so patient.....up until a point.
Until I can see that you don't really want it.  Until you keep making excuses.
After that- I'm done.
I may give you a redo, even a third chance because I'm also an eternal optimist...but if you say you want something but you don't really mean it...then well I'm sorry.  I'm done.
Because you know what?  Someone else really DOES want it.
I am good at what I do.  That I know for sure.

So friend- I hope that you will accept me as I have learned to accept myself.
Yeah- I know it's not always easy, but we're both worth it.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Today I feel ugly

"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now am found.
Was blind, but now I see." 

Today I feel ugly.
I woke up noticing dark circles under my eyes and deep wrinkles around my lips.
I went to yoga because that usually helps to center me, but all I could concentrate on were my over sized muscles, the scab on my knee, and the fact that my 8 toenails are still dirty and unkempt from last weekends race.

Today I feel ugly.
When I got home the kids were starving so I tugged my dirty hair into a bun, pulled on droopy faded jeans, and threw a jacket over my sports bra and running top.  We went straight to the mall and movies after breakfast and it was clear that I was the frazzled and haggard old mom trying to hang with the beautiful people.

Today I feel ugly.
My eyebrows are wild and I swear I've gained 10 lbs. I can't shake the feeling of "not enough".  I don't want to work out.  I don't want to be around anyone.   I  don't want to do anything.
How did I get here? It's my day off for God's sake.  I can't seem to shake it.

Today I feel ugly
So I follow Jorge unwillingly to the gym.  And we do that fucking hard hill workout that we don't want to do. And I huff and puff as he smoothly climbs.....
and I am sweating under my boobs and across the pooch of my belly.
And I am showered in grace and clarity.
And I feel proud.  And I feel strong.

Tonight I feel beautiful.