Today I feel ugly

"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now am found.
Was blind, but now I see." 



Today I feel ugly.
I woke up noticing dark circles under my eyes and deep wrinkles around my lips.
I went to yoga because that usually helps to center me, but all I could concentrate on were my over sized muscles, the scab on my knee, and the fact that my 8 toenails are still dirty and unkempt from last weekends race.

Today I feel ugly.
When I got home the kids were starving so I tugged my dirty hair into a bun, pulled on droopy faded jeans, and threw a jacket over my sports bra and running top.  We went straight to the mall and movies after breakfast and it was clear that I was the frazzled and haggard old mom trying to hang with the beautiful people.

Today I feel ugly.
My eyebrows are wild and I swear I've gained 10 lbs. I can't shake the feeling of "not enough".  I don't want to work out.  I don't want to be around anyone.   I  don't want to do anything.
How did I get here? It's my day off for God's sake.  I can't seem to shake it.

Today I feel ugly
So I follow Jorge unwillingly to the gym.  And we do that fucking hard hill workout that we don't want to do. And I huff and puff as he smoothly climbs.....
and I am sweating under my boobs and across the pooch of my belly.
And I am showered in grace and clarity.
And I feel proud.  And I feel strong.

Tonight I feel beautiful.