Why I had to take a break from running ....(it's probably not for the reasons you think)

Knee surgery was the perfect alibi....

You know, they went in and scraped out some damaged shit out of my knee, put me on crutches, and sent me on my way with the promise of being able to run again in 4 months.  
Here I am a year and a half later, finally running a consistent 20 miles a week.   

"I don't want to get back in to soon." 
"I don't want to hurt myself again." 
"Can you get me the ice pack? I think my knee is swollen."  

But here's the truth.  
When I was running ultra distances....I was running away.  
Away from mistakes, away from grief, away from bullshit...away....away....
And it worked- for a while. 
But soon every time I ran, I began associating running with the three big d's:  Death, Divorce and Deception.  

Every run became a deja vu of memories and thoughts so self deprecating that my body finally decided to go along for the ride by presenting one injury after another.  First it was my ankle, next my knee, until my spirit was literally devastated and beaten.

My dad used to say, "time heals all wounds."  
Time, and amazing people, and a little bit of forgiveness and grace has allowed my body and spirit to heal.

Because no one checks my times, no one follows me to the finish line, and frankly no one gives a shit..... I can just run when I want to and stop when I want to.
I can swim, ride my bike, or maybe do a little yoga; or I can sit on my back porch with the dogs and drink hot, strong coffee.
There is no crisis, no drama, nothing to run away from.  

I used to think if I ran enough, I would feel free- like a bird: but right now- freedom is in my ability to choose what feels good, and right for me.  And what feels right is a bit of running! 

But birds nest too.