"I'm good enough.
I'm smart enough.
And doggone it, people like me!"
Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley
I'm going into this post knowing that my writing may be a bit controversial.....but I'm willing to go there, based on the fact that I can't get this off of my mind for the past few days.
After a few grouchy 15 milers in the heat, I decided last week that running the 100 miler at Big Cedar (and training for it right now in 107 degree temps) was not going to make me happy.
I was not upset about it at all. As a matter of fact I knew that dropping to the 50K was going to be smarter right now on the path building to my big goal of Leadville next summer. The only reason I signed up in the first place was because I had a moment of insanity when the Ironman was over.
I simply didn't know what to do with myself, so I decided "Hey- what the heck? I'll just go run 100 miles."
The first rule of ultra running is to respect the distance. I knew that I wasn't doing that, trying to run this race with such a short amount of training; so I hired a coach who will help push me out of my leisurely zone 1 runs and I hope to really kick ass at the 50K distance on this trail that I love.
When I posted this "announcement" on Facebook- a good friend commented that "The only person runners have to prove anything to is themselves."
Whoa. That got me thinking.
Have I been trying to prove something to myself or others over the past few years? Proving that I'm good enough? Proving that I am worthy?
The truth is- maybe in the beginning, yes. I used to be horrible at comparing myself to others, especially in the years that I was trying to qualify for Boston. I had the nerve to think that "everyone was watching me."
Ha! How egotistical is that? The truth is, everyone is concentrated on their own shit. Their own goals. Their own lives.
Whether or not I qualified for Boston, or bonked at mile 18, running was a gift. A blessing.
When I started running ultras, I began to realize this even more. With every trip that I took, breath of fresh air, mountaintop vista, flora and fauna, canyon echo and river crossing I learned to love running for the places it took me. I learned how special each moment I spent there was.
The reason why I can run 100 miles is because there is simply no place I would rather be.
Maybe I am lying to myself, but I'd like to think I have nothing left to prove.
To myself. To others.
It's all an illusion anyway, this skin that embodies us.
I just want to seize the day, and enjoy the gift.