"I wanted to rest and play. I wanted to connect and ask for help, and sometimes just stop entirely. I wanted to listen to my own body and spirit instead of feeling like I was on a speeding train that left the station a long time ago and wasn't stopping anytime soon......."
Shauna Niequest- Present Over Perfect
I want to do epic shit. I want to do the things and be the brand and change lives. I want to leap and shout and influence. I want to be brave and say what needs to be said.
I have GOALS and AMBITION dammit!
But it's one o'clock on a Wednesday afternoon, and I can barely keep my eyes open to listen to my 80 year old client tell me again how pissed off he is that he's getting old, and that his t-shirt has stains on it.
I'm dreading the swim that I have planned for this afternoon, and I get a call that I need to pick up my kids unexpectedly from school. I grudgingly drive the hour pick them up- barely able to keep my eyes open. I have nothing to give when my kiddos get in the car, and when we finally make it home I sleep for 2 hours. I'm grouchy and unpleasant to say the least.
So much for productivity on Wednesday.
But here's the real problem. It's not just Wednesday. It's everyday.
I realize that I've built a life that I cannot handle, and that I just can't keep doing this to myself.
Most days start with a 3:15 wake up to get to work on time. Thanks to coffee, I am able to fake it for at least 8 hours of my work day, but when 1:00 rolls around the brain fog is so thick I can barely function. I usually get a second wind around 3:00- so I can get in some sort of training before driving an hour home and making dinner. I try to make it in bed by 9 pm, but my average sleep time for the past 96 nights has been 6 hours and 30 min.
I'm lethargic, unmotivated, and frankly I feel like shit.
The ultra runner in me says I should be able to ignore the pain and power through this to get to the finish line; but in real life the finish line is death, and frankly I'm not quite ready to go there just yet.
Shauna Neiquest in Present Over Perfect describes a time when she decided to "make her life look more like her longings," a time when she chose to author her own pace and life. Fortunately, with Greg's help, I am learning that I no longer have to live in survival mode, and that I too can choose what I really want for myself.
What would that look like?
Connection to others and to myself.
More yoga and Pilates, less ignoring that my hamstrings are so tight I can barely lift my leg.
Quality over quantity.
More listening. Less talking
Less "have to." More "choose to."
More playing. More outdoor time.
Fullness over hunger.
Relationships over numbers.
More space for creativity and writing.
More sweat. More gardening.
More time for those I love.
More shaking things up!
Saying yes to the things that matter, and no to the things that don't.
More leaping and shouting and influencing and teaching.
More caring. More love.
More days off, and continuing education.
More reading, more authenticity.
More believing in myself- and voicing my opinion.
More trust- less guilt.
I want to do epic shit!
To be a fountain, not a drain.
I better get to bed now........